Anxiety Meets Grit: A Conversation with Mel Desnoyers
Let’s be honest: most of us are figuring things out as we go. Anxiety included.
This week on In Her Anxiety and in celebration of International Women’s Day, I’m excited to hand the keyboard over to a very inspirational woman in my life. Mel Desnoyers is a mother, a manager, and the host of the podcast Guts, Grit and Lipstick—which should already give you a hint about the energy she brings.
In this post, she shares her perspective on anxiety and self-development through the lens of balancing leadership, motherhood, and the everyday mental gymnastics that come with both.
If you’ve ever tried to keep it together while juggling responsibilities, expectations, and your own inner voice, this one’s for you.
Before we dive in, we started with a quick round of “This or That” to get to know Mel a little better:
Q: Early bird or night owl?
Early bird gets the worm
Q: Books or movies?
I like to read but movies win
Q: Summer or winter?
Summer - winter is for hibernating
Q: Staying in or going out?
Staying in – my home is my happy place
Q: Calling or texting?
Texting but more than five texts back and forth should now be a call
Now that we’ve broken the ice, we asked her a few short questions about anxiety, personal growth, and the experiences that have shaped her perspective:
Q: How has your understanding of mental health evolved from earlier in your life compared to now?
A: Earlier in my life, I didn’t think much about mental health beyond extreme situations. I tended to see it as something separate from everyday life and believed that being “strong” meant pushing through stress without acknowledging its impact (when you live in fight or flight, you just think that high stress situations are “normal”). I didn’t fully understand how ongoing pressure, workload, or personal circumstances could quietly affect how someone feels, thinks, and functions.
Over time, my perspective has changed significantly. Through lived experience (two professional burnouts), observing others, and learning more openly about mental health, I’ve come to understand that it affects everyone at different points and exists on a continuum. I now recognize that mental health is closely tied to how supported, valued, and balanced a person feels—both at work and in their personal life.
Today, I’m much more aware of my own mental well-being and the importance of setting boundaries (the power of saying “No”), asking for support when needed, and extending empathy to others. I no longer see mental health challenges as a weakness, but as a normal part of being human. This shift has made me more compassionate, more self-aware, and more intentional about contributing to a supportive and psychologically safe environment for those around me.
Q: How does anxiety show up for you in your leadership role?
A: I’ve come to understand that my OCD has been the underlying source of much of my anxiety. It took me nearly 40 years to make that connection but gaining that insight has been both validating and life-changing.
My anxiety often shows up in how deeply I care about doing things right and not letting people down. I tend to think several steps ahead, anticipate risks, and feel a strong sense of responsibility for outcomes. While this can be a strength, it can also create internal pressure to constantly stay ahead of problems, even ones that haven’t happened yet.
I may over-prepare, double-check decisions, or spend extra time thinking things through to avoid mistakes. At times, this can make decision-making feel heavier, or lead to questioning myself even when I’m well-prepared and experienced. I might internalize concerns rather than share them right away, trying to protect my team or maintain stability.
My anxiety can also show up as heightened awareness of others—how they’re feeling, whether they’re supported, and whether I’ve communicated clearly enough. This makes me empathetic and attentive as a leader, but it can also mean I take on emotional load that isn’t always mine to carry.
At its core, my anxiety is driven by a desire to do right by people, uphold standards, and be dependable. Becoming more aware of how it shows up has helped me recognize when it’s helping me lead thoughtfully—and when I need to slow down, set boundaries, or ask for support instead of carrying everything alone.
Q: How do you navigate anxiety while still being expected to lead confidently?
A: Staying grounded – when I start to feel anxious, I start breathing slower, immediately plant my feet to the floor and focus on three things I can see and two things I can feel. This allows me to refocus and get back on track.
Q: One word you wish workplaces valued more?
A: Compassion – it’s one thing to say that you are compassionate but it’s a whole different thing to treat people with compassion.
Q: What does “showing up for yourself” actually look like on hard days?
A: Listening to my body and honoring my needs. If I don’t take care of myself, how can I take care of others?
Q: What’s something you no longer apologize for?
A: This one makes me laugh because I feel like everyone has been exposed to my apology tour at one point or another. I no longer apologize for not wanting to participate in an event or gathering. If I don’t want to do something, I just don’t and no longer feel the need to explain why.
Q: Which LEAN principle resonates most with your mental health journey?
A: ROOT CAUSE – It is so important to drill down to the root of the problem. For 40 + years I have dealt with anxiety, and it was only recently that I figured out that the root cause is my need to be in control because of my OCD.
Q: What’s one LEAN concept you think more women should apply to self-care?
A: CONTINUOUS IMPROVEMENT – it’s all about making your way to the goal one baby step or short sprint at a time. Women are just programmed to care of others and often forget to nurture their own needs. It’s like RuPaul says “If you can’t love yourself, how the hell are you going to love anybody else?”
Q: One word or phrase (or Dolly Parton quote 😉) that keeps you going?
A: Of course, it’s going to be a Dolly Parton quote as she is my Queen: “If you don’t like the road you're walking, start paving another one”.
Q: How did becoming a mother change your relationship with anxiety?
A: I became a mother (almost 21 years ago now), and it was like throwing gasoline on a fire. Not only did I catastrophize everything for me but now I worried about my baby and my husband because I was convinced that anything that could go wrong would go wrong. Not to mention being on maternity leave (alone at home all day with a baby and having undiagnosed post-partum depression) left me a shell of myself. I only spoke to my doctor about this after having my second daughter and feeling like my world was crumbling around me. This is when I had my first experience with treating my anxiety with meds and this is when I entered my Zombie era. I was on so much medicine that I was just numb to everything. I wish I hadn’t been so hell bent on taking care of everything myself and just asking for help from my family and friends.
Q: What’s something working mothers don’t hear often enough?
A: I just want to scream this from the mountain tops – YOUR BEST IS MORE THAN ENOUGH!!!!
Q: What does being a “girl’s girl” look like in practice?
A: I’m not sure that I’m a girl’s girl, I’m more of a cheerleader for everyone. I’ve not had the greatest experiences professionally with women and I tend to be a little leery of their motives. Call it paranoia or gut instinct but I’m usually spot on with a first impression.
This is how I’m a cheerleader for everyone:
Supportive: I celebrate successes instead of feeling threatened by them
Loyal and respectful: I’ve got your back
Empathetic: I lead with compassion
Inclusive: I make space for different personalities, experiences, and paths—not just people who are similar to me
Protective: I speak up, set boundaries, or step in when people are being treated unfairly
Q: What’s one piece of advice you can give to young women who feel like their anxiety is hindering their abilities to be successful, loved, and respected?
A: Don’t let your anxiety define you, and I don’t want you to wear that label or feel like to need to tell everyone around you.
You likely feel anxious because you care deeply, think critically, and hold yourself to a high standard. Stop measuring yourself by how calm you appear and start measuring yourself by how honest and courageous you are.
YOU ARE AMAZING – remember that!!!!
A huge thank you to Mel for taking the time to share her insights with us. If you’d like more conversations like this one, be sure to check out her podcast Guts, Grit and Lipstick on Spotify—it’s full of thoughtful discussions about resilience, personal growth, and showing up with courage in everyday life.
Next week, we’ll talk about LEAN principles - something Mel introduced me too - and how they are so much cooler when used outside of the workplace!